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The meaning for this statement is: To distress oneself by comparing one’s own situation with that of others who seem more horrific, vulgar, distraught, disgusting, or severe. To despair is the complete loss or absence of hope.

As you reflect on what happened, how it happened to you, what went wrong, how you didn’t see it or why you didn’t pay attention to your gut/intuition and are trying to regain the insight of your clear reality, a thousand things go through your mind:

  • Was it really that bad?
  • Why wasn’t I enough?
  • What did she have that I didn’t?
  • Why is everything I do not as good as everyone else?
  • When will they notice me? When am I the golden child?
  • When am I the one that finally gets heard? Recognized?
  • How could I have made it different for them to stay?
  • Is there something I could have done differently? Better?
  • I know I didn’t approach the situation right.
  • She wouldn’t leave him alone; if she had this would have never happened.
  • But my “ex” didn’t physically hit me.
  • My partner didn’t cheat on me like hers.
  • He only yelled and/or hit me in private.
  • Maybe all the demeaning comments and digs were really jokes.

The list goes on and on!  There are so many variances to the situations and environments that we came or are coming out of that you can only base what is toxic and problematic on what YOU went through. Please know that no matter what the mixture of chaos was or is, we hear you, we believe you and we are HERE for you!

When we compare our experiences and truths with others, we have a tendency; more often than not, to convince ourselves that our situation “is just not that bad”, “was this our fault”, or “this is better than not having anyone or any piece of them at all”. We constantly base our self-worth, our qualities, and our achievements against those of others.  Basing it all on our existing low sense of self-worth and comparing ourselves with others and their situations.  By doing this, we keep ourselves isolated and closed off from what we ultimately want; to matter, to be seen, to be heard, to be noticed, to be held, and ultimately to be loved.

The past is the past, we can’t change that, nor should we continually live in it. If someone is problematic or unhealthy for the present and future we are striving for, then let it stay in the past. We can’t change anyone; we can only change ourselves and only have the present and future to grow through! Below are a few suggestions to keep you in your lane and on your path to success:

  • Be intentional! Know what’s toxic AND problematic for you. BE AWARE of this, commit yourself to GRATITUDE, be thankful for where you are, what you’ve learned, repeat positive affirmations; I am enough, I am strong, I am beautiful!
  • Acknowledge your thoughts; they are yours, own them, sit with them. Triggers reveal what YOU need to heal. Pay attention to what you NEED; meditate, journal, or release back to the source. Whatever works for you!  
  • Guide your thoughts; focus and identify your strengths. Where you dwell you swell, what you put your attention to is what you concentrate on. Shift your thoughts to the positives and your personal growth; look how far I have come, look what I have accomplished, I am so blessed. Bring yourself back to YOUR value!
  • Know we are all in the same boat, just different racing stripes. Everyone has their own JOURNEY, and we have no idea what theirs is about. Don’t judge, you aren’t wearing their shoes or walking in their path.
  • Celebrate what is uniquely yours, be your own best friend. You ARE beautiful, strong, independent, worthy, and LOVED!

When we respect ourselves enough to know that what we were in was NOT healthy and take the time to focus on us, this gives us the opportunity to figure out what we need to heal and how we can grow.

Remember, you don’t owe anyone an explanation and what others think or feel is none of your business. Stay in your lane! Focus on YOU, love YOU, heal YOU, and smile not all the problems in the world are yours! Show gratitude and grace as there is always someone out there that is watching to see you lead by example.

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