Do you always feel like no matter what you do, you’re never good enough? Are you struggling to sleep at night? Are you overwhelmed with sadness? Do you cry without a reason, or wake up feeling worthless? What about feeling like you are alone in this world? Maybe you’re experiencing illnesses that no one can diagnose.
People are quick to tell you that you’re depressed. Doctors give you pills and send you off to wonder what is wrong with you. I use to think I was just having a chemical imbalance in my head. All the symptoms of depression were there. I was constantly sad and couldn’t sleep so I drown myself in my work. I didn’t go out and I didn’t feel good about myself at all.
For 15 years, I struggled with sadness. I can’t even describe the pain with words.
One night in the middle of winter, right before Christmas, I went out wearing only a maternity dress and flip-flops. The temperature was below zero, the windows were frozen. I didn’t bother to scrape the windshield. My mission was just to drive around town and get hit by another car so I can end my life. The pain I felt was deep and unbearable. One part of me wanted to call home to talk to my mom. The other part of me didn’t want to disappoint my parents about my failed marriage.
Alone in the car, half crying and half screaming, God didn’t say a thing. Somehow, I didn’t die. Two months later, I gave birth to my son. All around me were people but I felt completely alone. Most days I had to fake my smile and force myself to talk so I would feel particularly alive. People probably thought I was nosy. I was just trying to make conversations to hide my sorrow.
I’m sure my soul left during those dark days. I was just an empty shell. I saw nearly ten different doctors and none could diagnose my illness. My body was breaking down. I had bad rashes all over my body. My migraines were deadly. I gained excessive weight and even got menopause. It took nearly 8 years later for me to come across an article that changed my life, forever.
Sitting alone on the cold hard bathroom floor in my master bedroom, I started searching online for something that will explain why I’m going insane. I came across an article about “narcissistic abuse” and couldn’t stop reading it. What the author wrote was my life put into words. She connected with me. I started digging further into narcissistic abuse and I cried for the longest time. For the first time, I found what is wrong with me.
Turning myself into an educated empath helped me to fight back the things that narcissistic abuse was doing to my body, mind, and spirit. I spent a lot of time focusing on self-care, reading, writing, and self-expression. These things gave me light in my darkness. Today, I’m no longer there in that agonizing solitude.
Before you diagnose yourself with depression, make sure you’re not surrounded by assholes.
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I hope this article finds you well. If not, I hope you can use it to see if the sadness you’re going through is mental abuse. Your partner doesn’t have to hit you in order for you to be a victim of abuse. Take a step back and look at your life. Are you constantly trying to please your partner to avoid ugly words and fights? Do you find yourself afraid to do things that will upset your partner? Does your partner call you awful names and blame you for his or her bad behaviors? Are you feeling like you’re losing your sanity and going crazy? If you answer “yes” to a few of these questions, you may be a victim of mental or narcissistic abuse. Please seek help.
No longer with your abuser? You may be experiencing the side effects of narcissistic abuse. Join us to heal, grow, and thrive. We understand your pain. We’re here for you.
